It’s a strange feeling, receiving a letter in the post informing you that your Anxiety is confirmed and you’re on the two-week waiting list for therapy. To have your suspicions (not so much well-informed suspicions, but more late-night-Google-aided-breakdowns) validated by someone who’s paid to deal with this kind of thing on a daily basis has made me feel this bizarre mixture of relieved that I’ll be getting help and ashamed that my Gremlin has become a better conman than Frank Abagnale Jr.
That’s the way I feel right now. I feel like I’ve managed to convince everybody I’m this weaker version of myself who has no control of her own mind when in reality I do but I just want the attention – for the sake of the old me who still resides somewhere in that cavern inside my skull, I hope none of those are true. I hope people don’t view me as weak, I hope that I do have control of my own mind, I hope that there’s no two sides to this and it is all plain, boring reality and I hope that people don’t think I’m doing this all for attention. I don’t like attention, I don’t like being on people’s radars or having people worry about me so this is shit for me right now. It’s hard for me to admit I can’t juggle all of these balls and need an extra pair of hands to share the task or take over once in a while. I wanted to believe I was Superwoman for so long and I guess I’m just not.
I don’t know if I’m looking forward to having therapy. I want to be able to walk around town and not feel like all eyes are on me but for the first couple of days after I was informed, the Gremlin was whispering that the Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner I’d be seeing would think I’m conning them and not help me or they’d think I was a special kind of nutcase and tell all of their friends so I’m trying to quell that line of thought within these 2 weeks. Trying being the best I can do right now.
I just wanted to say, I’ve been trying to write another post since the same night my last post was published. I have draft after draft in my blog posts that I’ve never dared complete and submit to public viewing despite the lovely messages I received after my first posts. Every day I didn’t click ‘Publish’ was another day of feeling like “everybody thinks I’m attention seeking” which, in telling you this and writing this blog, is essentially putting the spotlight on myself and demanding your attention for a moment. I almost deleted this all having realised that. Oh god, I’ve just managed to actually torture myself. Continue, quickly.
I still feel as though I shouldn’t speak about my mental struggles in some circles, so on the whole I save it for a few people who aren’t going through the same thing but can appreciate that mental health is just as important as physical. But I’m nowhere near the stage of embracing it, it might have seemed that way in my last posts but I’m ashamed by it still. I’m embarassed that I can’t speak to people freely anymore without my Gremlin making me face consequences for saying completely normal things and I’m embarrassed that I’ve spent months trying to shut the door on it instead of asking for help. (I’m also embarrassed that I need help to control my own mind.) I think I’m probably most embarrassed though by the fact that I would rather stay home with Monkey and Husband and chill and crochet because I know (most of the time) they don’t judge me and crochet and knitting takes my mind off of everything and keeps my hands from scratching my phantom itch on my neck. Now that’s all I can think about.
I’ve had a good day today even though we spent it indoors, and we’ll be doing the same tomorrow as we’ve got a Plumber coming to fix the tap. I ate well (kept to 15 syns), I made sure Toby was eating well too and we played and I read to him and I managed to try out crocheting a little hat for him without using a pattern (I unravelled it all as it looked wrong in the yarn I was using) and yet I get to 8pm and feel like because we didn’t leave the house I’m a lazy and rubbish mother – and that’s just the beginning. So for things like that, I need to get this sorted.
2016 I will become me again. Update soon.